Talking Shit. Addiction Recovery Month 11.

For the first time, I’ve managed to work on more than one area of my life at one time. Normally when I work on the book, my meditation practice falls to the wayside, but this time, I’ve been meditating intensely as well as writing intensely. I’m not doing it in any kind of manic state either (I’m keeping an eye on that), it just coming naturally as though time has slowed down and I have more room in my life.

I’ve also stuck to my healthy diet (mostly) and I’ve started looking at my relationships, especially with my family. Before, I was very guarded and always felt I had to prove I’m doing well, only talking about the positive things in my life. But recently I’ve realised it’s making me feel isolated and alone, like an empty shell.

So, I made a decision. Slowly but surely, I’m going to start talking about the shit in my life. The things I’m useless at, the areas where I’m struggling and generally taking the piss out of myself and trampling over the ‘worthy’ person I’m so used to trying to be.

Happiness Guilt – Addiction Recovery Month 10

I’ve been neglecting blogging a bit, but today, I feel compelled to write an update to help me get some perspective on my progress. My decision to focus on one new habit at a time, starting with healthy eating, is going well. It’s taking up a lot of my energy though. No wonder I struggled before, I wasn’t making enough room for such a big change.

So the rules of the game are; just commit to that one lifestyle change until it becomes second nature (66 days, apparently). For the rest of that time I’m free to do whatever I feel like – being out in nature, which I’ve recently become obsessed with, and meditating – another one of my obsessions.

I basically follow two types of meditation, one really intense purification meditation, which I do sparingly, and a more relaxed visualisation practice where I hang out with my friends in the spirit world. As for the people of this world, well, they’re just weird. Many of them are struggling too, and I don’t know what to do about that.

By creating an inner world charged with intimacy and meaning and an outer world surrounded by nature, I’ve become happier than I’ve ever been, but I’m left with this feeling like I’m abandoning my  loved ones to pursure my own selfish joys. Where did I get this happiness guilt from? Catholicism, of course. In addition, when I spend time with friends and family I often feel disturbed by their problems, especially when they resemble problems that were all too recently my own.

I’m not talking about my addiction here, but anything resembling the issues that came with it. Feeling overwhelmed and out of control of my life, taking on too much and not even knowing how to take care of my most basic needs. When I spend time with people who are struggling in this way, my PTSD really kicks in. It’s like a soldier revisiting a war zone, all the trauma comes flooding back to me.

I just want to shake them and say: ‘Why can’t you just sort yourself out!’ And then I realise, wow, that’s what people must’ve wanted to do to me. And on top of that, I know from experience that change is not as simple as people imagine it to be. You’re dealing with mental and emotional patterns that have built up over years, often a lifetime.

So what do I do about it? I know I need to look at this stuff. I’ve created a refuge for myself in nature and meditation, a replacement for drugs, and that’s great. But it’s in my dealings with others that genuine healing will take place. But right now, I’m not sure if I’m ready. I’m guarded around others because I’m unable to acknowledge, let alone articulate, what I’ve been through. I seize up when I’m asked about my life, past or present, and even struggle to talk about the positive things.

It’s interesting, that word, articulate has just given me a flash of insight. It sums up the issue I’m having.  I’ve been struggling to articulate my new values, perspectives and experiences, like my vocabulary is lagging behind my intuitions. I guess I need to write more, or talk more! One step at a time though, as always, slow and steady wins the race.

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