Diary of a heroin and meditation addict day 2

Death! I’ve come to the conclusion that this is the key.  Of course I don’t mean physical death, but contemplation of it.  For many years I’ve been contemplating death in my meditation, but there was a problem.  I ended up stopping because I didn’t have a loving enough approach, and found I was directing it towards myself more like a threat than the way to freedom it was meant to be.

I don’t know what prompted me to go back today, but I found myself contemplating death once more. What was different was the sense of well wishing, and feeling I was in a position to offer myself something to replace it – eternal life.  And yes, it was me giving it to myself, not some god outside of myself, he would never have given it to me.  My view of God, wedged into my subconscious and causing complete havoc, was the punishing, petty, parasitical God adopted by society as a means to control its citizens.  I’m finally learning to walk away after years of suffering the violence and abuse of this so called ‘God’.

Today I felt I could face death, which helped me feel less inferior and different to others.  After all, we’re all the same in the eyes of death.  My addiction makes me feel out of control, but in reality, who really is in control of their lives?  They may have a successful career, family, health etc, but it doesn’t matter how good our health is, we’ll still die one day.  And then, then came that precious insight i had.  All of my anxiety, my inferiority, my desperation to achieve and even my cravings can be traced back to my fear of death,  Not only that, I could feel death breathing on me. Oh dear it sounds a bit negative!  But no it was great!  Freedom!  And that little faith in immortality, that little taste.

Maybe that’s why there’s an addiction and mental health epidemic.  Maybe people are becoming more aware of death and they’re fearfully repressing it because they don’t have a loving presence which they trust.  I hope you and I can all give ourselves immortality, we have the power!

So tomorrow I’m hoping to use these insights to help me get through a day without using.

I’ll let you know how that goes.

Best wishes all!

 

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Diary of heroin and meditation addict.

firstly, my life is about to fall off the edge of a cliff and i feel i need to try something new.  I live such a strange, secretive life and I’m so used to putting a mask on that i don’t know who i am anymore, and i certainly don’t trust anyone to help me with my problems.  Whenever i let anyone in they just end up just as confused as i am and get sucked into my whirlwind of weirdness.

“What? You do that much meditation and you’re still using? ”

“Why don’t you just stop and try something else”?

“If you’re addicted to meditation does that mean it’s bad for you”?

“Isn’t it really bad meditating whilst you’re under the influence”?

Ah, it’s crippling just hearing these questions in my head as i write them down.  And the worst questions are the ones they dare not ask, the ones i can feel them asking;

“How can it be that nothing has changed in all these years despite all the meditation, despite all the intensive work you’ve done on yourself”?

Maybe they’re not really thinking this, but I’d be surprised if they weren’t.  This is my 19th year as a heroin addict, and my 15th year as an intensive meditator and Buddhist practitioner.  I even had an advanced teacher (spiritual non drug using) with whom i had a powerful meditation experience.

You see i still believe in that little intuitive voice i have amidst all the self doubt.  It seems that addicts are taught to doubt themselves the moment they come into recovery.  After all, we have this little ‘addict’ in our heads, lying to us all the time, trying to get us back to using our favorite substance.

I may have that little addict, but i also have a number of other selves which I’ve been learning about in my meditation.  And yes, externally it appears that nothing has changed, but I’ve been working on a secret project, and although it’s taken this journal to remind me, I haven’t lost faith, and I feel my project will begin to reveal itself if I just continue writing.

Fly Me To The Moon

Today, I’m feeling impatient and annoyed. Still no inspiration. I just want to get lost in my work, and there’s some block. I feel hopeful and excited, but when I sit down to work, nothing comes to me. Only time will give me the information I need, but what do I do in the meantime? I want things to flow. I don’t want that uncomfortable feeling of forcing myself to do creative stuff, surely that’s not the way to go. As the days have gone by, I’ve felt myself getting more and more uptight. I think I’m asking, expecting far too much, and then I feel unsatisfied. I’ve been doing amazingly well, so why isn’t that enough? What’s wrong with just writing about how I feel? I haven’t gathered enough data yet to create a system, I’m still in the experimental phase, so how can I possibly know what works without trying it out? It all looked so great in theory didn’t it?

And all this progress I’ve been making, and I’m not even stopping to acknowledge it. If I can’t be satisfied now, I’ll never be satisfied. It’s the pace that’s the problem. It’s that same illusion playing out. Although I’m moving forwards so much faster while I’m not using drugs, the sense of time is different and it feels like I’m moving slower. I had to push forwards with so much force when I was using in order to get anywhere, and out of habit I use that same force when not using and I fall flat on my face, because there’s no longer any need. I’m moving forwards very fast naturally. It’s like a astronaut going to the moon. While they’re still in the earth’s atmosphere (what I liken to life in addiction), it takes such immense rocket power to get anywhere, but once they get out of the earth’s atmosphere (which I liken to getting clean), there’s total stillness, even though they’re moving so much faster. But us uneducated astronauts think we’ve stopped and start messing round with the controls trying to go faster, but we run out of energy, and come crashing back down to earth.

As far as I’m concerned, that’s one of the addicts greatest problems. Adjusting to that new, completely different pace. Floating in space, with only our knowledge, our guides and our faith, to show us that we’re getting somewhere.