Happiness Guilt – Addiction Recovery Month 10

I’ve been neglecting blogging a bit, but today, I feel compelled to write an update to help me get some perspective on my progress. My decision to focus on one new habit at a time, starting with healthy eating, is going well. It’s taking up a lot of my energy though. No wonder I struggled before, I wasn’t making enough room for such a big change.

So the rules of the game are; just commit to that one lifestyle change until it becomes second nature (66 days, apparently). For the rest of that time I’m free to do whatever I feel like – being out in nature, which I’ve recently become obsessed with, and meditating – another one of my obsessions.

I basically follow two types of meditation, one really intense purification meditation, which I do sparingly, and a more relaxed visualisation practice where I hang out with my friends in the spirit world. As for the people of this world, well, they’re just weird. Many of them are struggling too, and I don’t know what to do about that.

By creating an inner world charged with intimacy and meaning and an outer world surrounded by nature, I’ve become happier than I’ve ever been, but I’m left with this feeling like I’m abandoning my  loved ones to pursure my own selfish joys. Where did I get this happiness guilt from? Catholicism, of course. In addition, when I spend time with friends and family I often feel disturbed by their problems, especially when they resemble problems that were all too recently my own.

I’m not talking about my addiction here, but anything resembling the issues that came with it. Feeling overwhelmed and out of control of my life, taking on too much and not even knowing how to take care of my most basic needs. When I spend time with people who are struggling in this way, my PTSD really kicks in. It’s like a soldier revisiting a war zone, all the trauma comes flooding back to me.

I just want to shake them and say: ‘Why can’t you just sort yourself out!’ And then I realise, wow, that’s what people must’ve wanted to do to me. And on top of that, I know from experience that change is not as simple as people imagine it to be. You’re dealing with mental and emotional patterns that have built up over years, often a lifetime.

So what do I do about it? I know I need to look at this stuff. I’ve created a refuge for myself in nature and meditation, a replacement for drugs, and that’s great. But it’s in my dealings with others that genuine healing will take place. But right now, I’m not sure if I’m ready. I’m guarded around others because I’m unable to acknowledge, let alone articulate, what I’ve been through. I seize up when I’m asked about my life, past or present, and even struggle to talk about the positive things.

It’s interesting, that word, articulate has just given me a flash of insight. It sums up the issue I’m having.  I’ve been struggling to articulate my new values, perspectives and experiences, like my vocabulary is lagging behind my intuitions. I guess I need to write more, or talk more! One step at a time though, as always, slow and steady wins the race.

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New Habits. Addiction Recovery Month 10.

I remember reading that it takes 66 days to create a new habit, that is, for it to become second nature. In the past, it’s worked for me to change one thing at a time, but recently, I’ve been trying to do everything at once. Unsurprisingly, I’ve been feeling down again. It seems I’ve slipped back into my one habit of a lifetime; rushing everything because I’m so desperate to get better and falling flat on my face as a result.

Of all the things I’ve been trying to change, I’d start with healthy eating because I’m obsessed with my health to the point of it being unhealthy. If I eat a chocolate bar, it feels like I’m loosing control, like I’ve transferred those feelings I had in my addiction onto food.

Anyway, that’s another story. PTSD aside, my plan is to create the life I want by building up new habits on a 66 day cycle. It’s not that I can’t do the other things, I do them as and when I feel up to them. That way, if I’m having a bad time, there’s only one thing I have to stay focused on.

It’s painful really. In many ways it feels like I’m back to square one. But of course, I know that’s not true. Just to be able to say I haven’t used drugs for over 10 months at least makes me sound like I’ve got it together, lol. But I must have it together, otherwise I wouldn’t have gotten this far.

Addiction recovery is not only hard, it’s hard to admit it’s hard. I just want to forget about the past and be free. I’ve had to forget about the past to some extent, if I didn’t, I’d get pulled back there, but there’s a drawback to that, I forget where I’ve come from and loose sight of how well I’m doing.

Recently I’ve had people in my life who’ve been taken aback by what I’ve achieved, but I’m so out of touch with what I’ve come through that it baffles me. What? Me? All I see is that I’m failing to reach the high standards I’ve set for myself and it’s time I learnt to lower the bar to a point where I can be comfortable.

It feels like a step backwards but I’m actually letting go of a mentality I’ve carried through from my addiction. There’s always this sense of urgency in addiction: ‘If I don’t change soon, something terrible is going to happen’. I repeated that thought in my head for so many years that it plagues my subconscious, like a mantra.

But the urgent issues have now been dealt with and I have the rest of my life to realise my dreams. The war is over, I can breathe the fresh air again. I can afford to stop and smell the roses.