Over the last few days I’ve remembered that any system would be a complete failure without a total commitment to not using any more, and letting go of my heroin life and self to the point where I can confidently say ‘I will not use no matter what’. Why? Simply because I believe my life will get better in every possible way. I’ve known all along that the deeper you let go, the easier it is to quit, but somehow I didn’t seem able to. And now I’ve reached this stage it’s a complete mystery to me why I couldn’t let go when it was apparently that simple all along.
Of all the research I’ve done, all the books I’ve read and all the different methods I’ve tried, there still seem to be so many unanswered questions about addiction, and I still remain without an opinion on many issues. Addiction is still a very mysterious illness to me. If it wasn’t mysterious, and it was fully understood, there wouldn’t be such an epidemic. As far as I can see, every system ever created for understanding/arresting/curing addiction is partial at best. Most of them feel that their way is the best or only way, when actually different things work for different people.
Maybe addiction will always be a nightmare to break, but I hold the belief that addiction will one day become a thing of the past. I have the same belief about war because I believe we’re evolving. It’s my dream to find a magical cure, but I’ve realised I’ll get the answers when I’m clean, not when I’m using, and my experiments are no longer worth the suffering anyway. When I use it distorts everything, and the answers I come up with are false and confused. I’ve also become open to the possibility that my dreams will change. Maybe I’ll get clean and feel there’s no need for a new system. Maybe I’ll discover that I want to help people in a different way. This is part of the fear of getting clean I guess. You have to let go of everything. Everything that you thought you were, and even the things you thought you were interested in. And even though I don’t know how I’ve done it, I’m just grateful I’ve managed to get to a stage of openness where I’m prepared to be wrong about everything, and prepared to do whatever it takes to stay clean.