Addiction – A Simple Complex?

Over the last few days I’ve remembered that any system would be a complete failure without a total commitment to not using any more, and letting go of my heroin life and self to the point where I can confidently say ‘I will not use no matter what’. Why? Simply because I believe my life will get better in every possible way. I’ve known all along that the deeper you let go, the easier it is to quit, but somehow I didn’t seem able to. And now I’ve reached this stage it’s a complete mystery to me why I couldn’t let go when it was apparently that simple all along.

Of all the research I’ve done, all the books I’ve read and all the different methods I’ve tried, there still seem to be so many unanswered questions about addiction, and I still remain without an opinion on many issues. Addiction is still a very mysterious illness to me. If it wasn’t mysterious, and it was fully understood, there wouldn’t be such an epidemic. As far as I can see, every system ever created for understanding/arresting/curing addiction is partial at best. Most of them feel that their way is the best or only way, when actually different things work for different people.

Maybe addiction will always be a nightmare to break, but I hold the belief that addiction will one day become a thing of the past. I have the same belief about war because I believe we’re evolving. It’s my dream to find a magical cure, but I’ve realised I’ll get the answers when I’m clean, not when I’m using, and my experiments are no longer worth the suffering anyway. When I use it distorts everything, and the answers I come up with are false and confused. I’ve also become open to the possibility that my dreams will change. Maybe I’ll get clean and feel there’s no need for a new system. Maybe I’ll discover that I want to help people in a different way. This is part of the fear of getting clean I guess. You have to let go of everything. Everything that you thought you were, and even the things you thought you were interested in.  And even though I don’t know how I’ve done it, I’m just grateful I’ve managed to get to a stage of openness where I’m prepared to be wrong about everything, and prepared to do whatever it takes to stay clean.

 

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An Experiment

Okay, so i got swallowed up by heroin again, but I’ve turned the bad days into good data and climbed out with some new ideas….

“I choose to follow my inspiration and see where it takes me”

 It’s been a big confusion of mine for a while. Does it work to follow your inspiration or do you have to push yourself to do things you don’t feel like doing sometimes? Well, there’s only one way to truly find out, and that’s to try it out and see what happens. When we’re young we’re taught that it doesn’t work to do whatever we feel like.  Maybe it doesn’t when you’re following more base urges, but I feel I’m at the stage where I’m listening to my soul rather than the lower urges of my body.  And actually, when I think of the book ‘Summerhill’ (A.S. Neill), it did work to let the kids do whatever they wanted. The lessons still took place, but the children didn’t have to turn up and they even had the option to play all day if they wanted to.  Amazingly, once they’d got their previous harsh schooling out of their system (they wound up at Summerhill because they were some of the naughtiest kids in Britain), they started to become interested in the lessons and developed their talents into something outstanding. But in this system we’re taught that if everyone just did whatever they wanted everything would fall apart, and being a creative person I’m certain that it was my regimented, impersonal, narrow-minded, cold, suffocating and oppressive education that was the cause of my drug problem in the first place.

I know that this belief is deeply ingrained in me, and an experiment may be the best way to challenge it. It’s too scary to take on this new way of living without gathering some proof that it works, so I’m going try it up until the new year, and if it’s successful I can take it on as a new behavior.  I’m also going to use the statement above as an affirmation, saying it five times five times a day, as is suggested for affirmations to take root in the mind.

Hmm, I’m already realizing that it may put a stop to a hell of a lot of conflict. As for the drugs, I can presume I won’t want to use as long as I don’t pressurize myself into doing anything I don’t want to do, and if I crave I can look for signs that the masculine side has taken control again.

Anyway, it seems that so far the experiment is working well because I’ve been inspired to share my idea with the world.