firstly, my life is about to fall off the edge of a cliff and i feel i need to try something new. I live such a strange, secretive life and I’m so used to putting a mask on that i don’t know who i am anymore, and i certainly don’t trust anyone to help me with my problems. Whenever i let anyone in they just end up just as confused as i am and get sucked into my whirlwind of weirdness.
“What? You do that much meditation and you’re still using? ”
“Why don’t you just stop and try something else”?
“If you’re addicted to meditation does that mean it’s bad for you”?
“Isn’t it really bad meditating whilst you’re under the influence”?
Ah, it’s crippling just hearing these questions in my head as i write them down. And the worst questions are the ones they dare not ask, the ones i can feel them asking;
“How can it be that nothing has changed in all these years despite all the meditation, despite all the intensive work you’ve done on yourself”?
Maybe they’re not really thinking this, but I’d be surprised if they weren’t. This is my 19th year as a heroin addict, and my 15th year as an intensive meditator and Buddhist practitioner. I even had an advanced teacher (spiritual non drug using) with whom i had a powerful meditation experience.
You see i still believe in that little intuitive voice i have amidst all the self doubt. It seems that addicts are taught to doubt themselves the moment they come into recovery. After all, we have this little ‘addict’ in our heads, lying to us all the time, trying to get us back to using our favorite substance.
I may have that little addict, but i also have a number of other selves which I’ve been learning about in my meditation. And yes, externally it appears that nothing has changed, but I’ve been working on a secret project, and although it’s taken this journal to remind me, I haven’t lost faith, and I feel my project will begin to reveal itself if I just continue writing.