Diary of heroin and meditation addict.

firstly, my life is about to fall off the edge of a cliff and i feel i need to try something new.  I live such a strange, secretive life and I’m so used to putting a mask on that i don’t know who i am anymore, and i certainly don’t trust anyone to help me with my problems.  Whenever i let anyone in they just end up just as confused as i am and get sucked into my whirlwind of weirdness.

“What? You do that much meditation and you’re still using? ”

“Why don’t you just stop and try something else”?

“If you’re addicted to meditation does that mean it’s bad for you”?

“Isn’t it really bad meditating whilst you’re under the influence”?

Ah, it’s crippling just hearing these questions in my head as i write them down.  And the worst questions are the ones they dare not ask, the ones i can feel them asking;

“How can it be that nothing has changed in all these years despite all the meditation, despite all the intensive work you’ve done on yourself”?

Maybe they’re not really thinking this, but I’d be surprised if they weren’t.  This is my 19th year as a heroin addict, and my 15th year as an intensive meditator and Buddhist practitioner.  I even had an advanced teacher (spiritual non drug using) with whom i had a powerful meditation experience.

You see i still believe in that little intuitive voice i have amidst all the self doubt.  It seems that addicts are taught to doubt themselves the moment they come into recovery.  After all, we have this little ‘addict’ in our heads, lying to us all the time, trying to get us back to using our favorite substance.

I may have that little addict, but i also have a number of other selves which I’ve been learning about in my meditation.  And yes, externally it appears that nothing has changed, but I’ve been working on a secret project, and although it’s taken this journal to remind me, I haven’t lost faith, and I feel my project will begin to reveal itself if I just continue writing.

Diary of a heroin and meditation addict day 3

..Well, technically it’s not day 3 as I haven’t blogged for a few days.  I managed a day without heroin yesterday, but what felt so important was what I did.  I faced a lot of fears and did things differently.  Being honest in this blog started me off, and then I decided to face my fear of social media and get involved on other platforms.  I made a video where I confessed to the world I was a heroin addict, and although it is probably the worst video on youtube it felt so good, to be honest, and real.  It felt like blogging and video blogging is what I’m meant to be doing with my life and hopefully helping people through it.

And then, this evening after I’d spent the day with my family and I was caught unaware when I got back, and before I knew it I found myself scoring again.  I know that something significant must’ve happened the day before because it was a huge shock to my system and I felt so down about it.  It crushed me.  I just wanted the damn drug out of my system.

Through all my meditation I’ve learned not to punish myself for relapsing, but sometimes, like tonight, it becomes almost impossible.  Why? Why? Why?  But it doesn’t matter how much I punish myself or not, it’s the love of getting deeply absorbed in my ‘work’, which will get me clean.

Meditation has been great, but I understand why it hasn’t been enough to get me clean.  It’s all about manifesting a replacement on the physical plane.  I’m proud of my meditation, but it’s not as if I have anything to show for it.  I need to build connections, self-esteem, a career, a craft in this world before I visit the next.  It seems that art, not meditation can replace drugs.  In fact, no particular area of life, but every area of life needs to transform.  Social, spiritual, economic, physical – you name it.

And all the time I’ve been going mad for meditation I’ve been neglecting all the other areas, but since I’ve gone back to this blog I’ve begun to find balance.  I can’t wait to get this damn drug out my system and start again tomorrow.

Diary of a heroin and meditation addict day 2

Death! I’ve come to the conclusion that this is the key.  Of course I don’t mean physical death, but contemplation of it.  For many years I’ve been contemplating death in my meditation, but there was a problem.  I ended up stopping because I didn’t have a loving enough approach, and found I was directing it towards myself more like a threat than the way to freedom it was meant to be.

I don’t know what prompted me to go back today, but I found myself contemplating death once more. What was different was the sense of well wishing, and feeling I was in a position to offer myself something to replace it – eternal life.  And yes, it was me giving it to myself, not some god outside of myself, he would never have given it to me.  My view of God, wedged into my subconscious and causing complete havoc, was the punishing, petty, parasitical God adopted by society as a means to control its citizens.  I’m finally learning to walk away after years of suffering the violence and abuse of this so called ‘God’.

Today I felt I could face death, which helped me feel less inferior and different to others.  After all, we’re all the same in the eyes of death.  My addiction makes me feel out of control, but in reality, who really is in control of their lives?  They may have a successful career, family, health etc, but it doesn’t matter how good our health is, we’ll still die one day.  And then, then came that precious insight i had.  All of my anxiety, my inferiority, my desperation to achieve and even my cravings can be traced back to my fear of death,  Not only that, I could feel death breathing on me. Oh dear it sounds a bit negative!  But no it was great!  Freedom!  And that little faith in immortality, that little taste.

Maybe that’s why there’s an addiction and mental health epidemic.  Maybe people are becoming more aware of death and they’re fearfully repressing it because they don’t have a loving presence which they trust.  I hope you and I can all give ourselves immortality, we have the power!

So tomorrow I’m hoping to use these insights to help me get through a day without using.

I’ll let you know how that goes.

Best wishes all!


Fly Me To The Moon

Today, I’m feeling impatient and annoyed. Still no inspiration. I just want to get lost in my work, and there’s some block. I feel hopeful and excited, but when I sit down to work, nothing comes to me. Only time will give me the information I need, but what do I do in the meantime? I want things to flow. I don’t want that uncomfortable feeling of forcing myself to do creative stuff, surely that’s not the way to go. As the days have gone by, I’ve felt myself getting more and more uptight. I think I’m asking, expecting far too much, and then I feel unsatisfied. I’ve been doing amazingly well, so why isn’t that enough? What’s wrong with just writing about how I feel? I haven’t gathered enough data yet to create a system, I’m still in the experimental phase, so how can I possibly know what works without trying it out? It all looked so great in theory didn’t it?

And all this progress I’ve been making, and I’m not even stopping to acknowledge it. If I can’t be satisfied now, I’ll never be satisfied. It’s the pace that’s the problem. It’s that same illusion playing out. Although I’m moving forwards so much faster while I’m not using drugs, the sense of time is different and it feels like I’m moving slower. I had to push forwards with so much force when I was using in order to get anywhere, and out of habit I use that same force when not using and I fall flat on my face, because there’s no longer any need. I’m moving forwards very fast naturally. It’s like a astronaut going to the moon. While they’re still in the earth’s atmosphere (what I liken to life in addiction), it takes such immense rocket power to get anywhere, but once they get out of the earth’s atmosphere (which I liken to getting clean), there’s total stillness, even though they’re moving so much faster. But us uneducated astronauts think we’ve stopped and start messing round with the controls trying to go faster, but we run out of energy, and come crashing back down to earth.

As far as I’m concerned, that’s one of the addicts greatest problems. Adjusting to that new, completely different pace. Floating in space, with only our knowledge, our guides and our faith, to show us that we’re getting somewhere.

Addiction – A Simple Complex?

Over the last few days I’ve remembered that any system would be a complete failure without a total commitment to not using any more, and letting go of my heroin life and self to the point where I can confidently say ‘I will not use no matter what’. Why? Simply because I believe my life will get better in every possible way. I’ve known all along that the deeper you let go, the easier it is to quit, but somehow I didn’t seem able to. And now I’ve reached this stage it’s a complete mystery to me why I couldn’t let go when it was apparently that simple all along.

Of all the research I’ve done, all the books I’ve read and all the different methods I’ve tried, there still seem to be so many unanswered questions about addiction, and I still remain without an opinion on many issues. Addiction is still a very mysterious illness to me. If it wasn’t mysterious, and it was fully understood, there wouldn’t be such an epidemic. As far as I can see, every system ever created for understanding/arresting/curing addiction is partial at best. Most of them feel that their way is the best or only way, when actually different things work for different people.

Maybe addiction will always be a nightmare to break, but I hold the belief that addiction will one day become a thing of the past. I have the same belief about war because I believe we’re evolving. It’s my dream to find a magical cure, but I’ve realised I’ll get the answers when I’m clean, not when I’m using, and my experiments are no longer worth the suffering anyway. When I use it distorts everything, and the answers I come up with are false and confused. I’ve also become open to the possibility that my dreams will change. Maybe I’ll get clean and feel there’s no need for a new system. Maybe I’ll discover that I want to help people in a different way. This is part of the fear of getting clean I guess. You have to let go of everything. Everything that you thought you were, and even the things you thought you were interested in.  And even though I don’t know how I’ve done it, I’m just grateful I’ve managed to get to a stage of openness where I’m prepared to be wrong about everything, and prepared to do whatever it takes to stay clean.


An Experiment

Okay, so i got swallowed up by heroin again, but I’ve turned the bad days into good data and climbed out with some new ideas….

“I choose to follow my inspiration and see where it takes me”

 It’s been a big confusion of mine for a while. Does it work to follow your inspiration or do you have to push yourself to do things you don’t feel like doing sometimes? Well, there’s only one way to truly find out, and that’s to try it out and see what happens. When we’re young we’re taught that it doesn’t work to do whatever we feel like.  Maybe it doesn’t when you’re following more base urges, but I feel I’m at the stage where I’m listening to my soul rather than the lower urges of my body.  And actually, when I think of the book ‘Summerhill’ (A.S. Neill), it did work to let the kids do whatever they wanted. The lessons still took place, but the children didn’t have to turn up and they even had the option to play all day if they wanted to.  Amazingly, once they’d got their previous harsh schooling out of their system (they wound up at Summerhill because they were some of the naughtiest kids in Britain), they started to become interested in the lessons and developed their talents into something outstanding. But in this system we’re taught that if everyone just did whatever they wanted everything would fall apart, and being a creative person I’m certain that it was my regimented, impersonal, narrow-minded, cold, suffocating and oppressive education that was the cause of my drug problem in the first place.

I know that this belief is deeply ingrained in me, and an experiment may be the best way to challenge it. It’s too scary to take on this new way of living without gathering some proof that it works, so I’m going try it up until the new year, and if it’s successful I can take it on as a new behavior.  I’m also going to use the statement above as an affirmation, saying it five times five times a day, as is suggested for affirmations to take root in the mind.

Hmm, I’m already realizing that it may put a stop to a hell of a lot of conflict. As for the drugs, I can presume I won’t want to use as long as I don’t pressurize myself into doing anything I don’t want to do, and if I crave I can look for signs that the masculine side has taken control again.

Anyway, it seems that so far the experiment is working well because I’ve been inspired to share my idea with the world.

Blogging – my new therapist

It’s been over 6 months since I wrote my first blog and i haven’t published anything since.  My drug use has got worse and worse and it’s time to get humble and admit that I don’t have the answers.  I’ve just been reading about blogging being a good way to overcome addiction, and since I’m always writing anyway, why not give it a try? I’m ready to try anything. Over the last few months I’ve realized that one of my greatest fears is the fear of exposure, and I guess underneath that is a fear of failure.  So they say the best way to overcome a fear is to face it.  Well here I am!  A heroin addict who can’t stop using. And I’m not spending ages trying to get my wording right, I’m just going to write whatever comes into my head, warts and all, and I’m going to write something every day.


My System

 “I must create a system or be enslaved by another man’s; I will not reason and compare; my business is to create”

-William Blake

For the last 3 1/2 years, this is what I’ve attempted to do in the field of addiction. A heroin addict myself, I used my problem as an opportunity to study and experiment on myself.  Now I feel I’ve come to the end of my time as my very own ‘guinea pig addict’, and I feel it’s time to enter the ‘guinea pig recovering addict’ phase. Join me on my quest as I attempt to use my discoveries and techniques to free me from my addiction and hopefully inspire others to do the same.

So here is a little taster of where I’m at and what my system is all about:

 My first and most obvious discovery was that there were two ‘selves’ involved in addiction; the ‘addict’ and the ‘anti-addict’. Whilst most systems are aware of this they normally see the addict as ‘bad’ and the anti-addict as ‘good’. They often praise and encourage the beliefs and attitudes of the anti-addict (which I’ll go into later), and suppress, put down, discourage, and even ridicule the beliefs of the addict.

Unsatisfied with conventional methods and in search of my own answers, I soon realized that the addict was not ‘all bad’ and the anti-addict was definitely not ‘all good’. With this in mind my work has centered mostly around the study of these opposing selves within myself, and the creation of different techniques to bring them back together.

Obviously I got a few laughs when I told people I was using heroin for research purposes!  Of course there’s no doubt I would have used it anyway, but I figured that if I was going to use drugs then I might as well try and get some use out of the experience. Now, after three and a half years of researching, reading, writing, and experimenting with drugs, I feel it’s time to add talking, sharing and experimenting without drugs to my list.  I’m really hoping I’ve reached a stage in my work where I can use my techniques and ideas to finally break free, and to pick up some support and encouragement along the way. Until now I’ve kept my work secret, but I feel I’m going to need the input and friendship of like minded people if I want to get clean. And of course, I need to get clean and stay clean for some time before my ideas can be taken seriously.

So, I’m currently on 43 ml of methodone, cutting down at a rate of 1 ml a week. Since I pick up on a weekly basis, I mess around with my daily dose, and I’ve also been using heroin between 1 and 4 times per week. This journal will come with me as I attempt to stop the heroin use, start taking the methodone as prescribed, and get clean through my chosen method of a gentle reduction. Apart from this, I’ll be relying solely on my own system, which I’ll be describing as I go along.  I’m sure this blog will turn out be an enormous benefit for me, even if no one reads it!  But in the long run I hope to generate a completely new perspective on the problem of addiction, and offer an inspiring way out for addicts of all kinds.

Wish me luck (I’m going to need it)!