Diary of a heroin and meditation addict day 2

Death! I’ve come to the conclusion that this is the key.  Of course I don’t mean physical death, but contemplation of it.  For many years I’ve been contemplating death in my meditation, but there was a problem.  I ended up stopping because I didn’t have a loving enough approach, and found I was directing it towards myself more like a threat than the way to freedom it was meant to be.

I don’t know what prompted me to go back today, but I found myself contemplating death once more. What was different was the sense of well wishing, and feeling I was in a position to offer myself something to replace it – eternal life.  And yes, it was me giving it to myself, not some god outside of myself, he would never have given it to me.  My view of God, wedged into my subconscious and causing complete havoc, was the punishing, petty, parasitical God adopted by society as a means to control its citizens.  I’m finally learning to walk away after years of suffering the violence and abuse of this so called ‘God’.

Today I felt I could face death, which helped me feel less inferior and different to others.  After all, we’re all the same in the eyes of death.  My addiction makes me feel out of control, but in reality, who really is in control of their lives?  They may have a successful career, family, health etc, but it doesn’t matter how good our health is, we’ll still die one day.  And then, then came that precious insight i had.  All of my anxiety, my inferiority, my desperation to achieve and even my cravings can be traced back to my fear of death,  Not only that, I could feel death breathing on me. Oh dear it sounds a bit negative!  But no it was great!  Freedom!  And that little faith in immortality, that little taste.

Maybe that’s why there’s an addiction and mental health epidemic.  Maybe people are becoming more aware of death and they’re fearfully repressing it because they don’t have a loving presence which they trust.  I hope you and I can all give ourselves immortality, we have the power!

So tomorrow I’m hoping to use these insights to help me get through a day without using.

I’ll let you know how that goes.

Best wishes all!



An Experiment

Okay, so i got swallowed up by heroin again, but I’ve turned the bad days into good data and climbed out with some new ideas….

“I choose to follow my inspiration and see where it takes me”

 It’s been a big confusion of mine for a while. Does it work to follow your inspiration or do you have to push yourself to do things you don’t feel like doing sometimes? Well, there’s only one way to truly find out, and that’s to try it out and see what happens. When we’re young we’re taught that it doesn’t work to do whatever we feel like.  Maybe it doesn’t when you’re following more base urges, but I feel I’m at the stage where I’m listening to my soul rather than the lower urges of my body.  And actually, when I think of the book ‘Summerhill’ (A.S. Neill), it did work to let the kids do whatever they wanted. The lessons still took place, but the children didn’t have to turn up and they even had the option to play all day if they wanted to.  Amazingly, once they’d got their previous harsh schooling out of their system (they wound up at Summerhill because they were some of the naughtiest kids in Britain), they started to become interested in the lessons and developed their talents into something outstanding. But in this system we’re taught that if everyone just did whatever they wanted everything would fall apart, and being a creative person I’m certain that it was my regimented, impersonal, narrow-minded, cold, suffocating and oppressive education that was the cause of my drug problem in the first place.

I know that this belief is deeply ingrained in me, and an experiment may be the best way to challenge it. It’s too scary to take on this new way of living without gathering some proof that it works, so I’m going try it up until the new year, and if it’s successful I can take it on as a new behavior.  I’m also going to use the statement above as an affirmation, saying it five times five times a day, as is suggested for affirmations to take root in the mind.

Hmm, I’m already realizing that it may put a stop to a hell of a lot of conflict. As for the drugs, I can presume I won’t want to use as long as I don’t pressurize myself into doing anything I don’t want to do, and if I crave I can look for signs that the masculine side has taken control again.

Anyway, it seems that so far the experiment is working well because I’ve been inspired to share my idea with the world.