“I must create a system or be enslaved by another man’s; I will not reason and compare; my business is to create”
For the last 3 1/2 years, this is what I’ve attempted to do in the field of addiction. A heroin addict myself, I used my problem as an opportunity to study and experiment on myself. Now I feel I’ve come to the end of my time as my very own ‘guinea pig addict’, and I feel it’s time to enter the ‘guinea pig recovering addict’ phase. Join me on my quest as I attempt to use my discoveries and techniques to free me from my addiction and hopefully inspire others to do the same.
So here is a little taster of where I’m at and what my system is all about:
My first and most obvious discovery was that there were two ‘selves’ involved in addiction; the ‘addict’ and the ‘anti-addict’. Whilst most systems are aware of this they normally see the addict as ‘bad’ and the anti-addict as ‘good’. They often praise and encourage the beliefs and attitudes of the anti-addict (which I’ll go into later), and suppress, put down, discourage, and even ridicule the beliefs of the addict.
Unsatisfied with conventional methods and in search of my own answers, I soon realized that the addict was not ‘all bad’ and the anti-addict was definitely not ‘all good’. With this in mind my work has centered mostly around the study of these opposing selves within myself, and the creation of different techniques to bring them back together.
Obviously I got a few laughs when I told people I was using heroin for research purposes! Of course there’s no doubt I would have used it anyway, but I figured that if I was going to use drugs then I might as well try and get some use out of the experience. Now, after three and a half years of researching, reading, writing, and experimenting with drugs, I feel it’s time to add talking, sharing and experimenting without drugs to my list. I’m really hoping I’ve reached a stage in my work where I can use my techniques and ideas to finally break free, and to pick up some support and encouragement along the way. Until now I’ve kept my work secret, but I feel I’m going to need the input and friendship of like minded people if I want to get clean. And of course, I need to get clean and stay clean for some time before my ideas can be taken seriously.
So, I’m currently on 43 ml of methodone, cutting down at a rate of 1 ml a week. Since I pick up on a weekly basis, I mess around with my daily dose, and I’ve also been using heroin between 1 and 4 times per week. This journal will come with me as I attempt to stop the heroin use, start taking the methodone as prescribed, and get clean through my chosen method of a gentle reduction. Apart from this, I’ll be relying solely on my own system, which I’ll be describing as I go along. I’m sure this blog will turn out be an enormous benefit for me, even if no one reads it! But in the long run I hope to generate a completely new perspective on the problem of addiction, and offer an inspiring way out for addicts of all kinds.
Wish me luck (I’m going to need it)!