Diary of a heroin and meditation addict day 2

Death! I’ve come to the conclusion that this is the key.  Of course I don’t mean physical death, but contemplation of it.  For many years I’ve been contemplating death in my meditation, but there was a problem.  I ended up stopping because I didn’t have a loving enough approach, and found I was directing it towards myself more like a threat than the way to freedom it was meant to be.

I don’t know what prompted me to go back today, but I found myself contemplating death once more. What was different was the sense of well wishing, and feeling I was in a position to offer myself something to replace it – eternal life.  And yes, it was me giving it to myself, not some god outside of myself, he would never have given it to me.  My view of God, wedged into my subconscious and causing complete havoc, was the punishing, petty, parasitical God adopted by society as a means to control its citizens.  I’m finally learning to walk away after years of suffering the violence and abuse of this so called ‘God’.

Today I felt I could face death, which helped me feel less inferior and different to others.  After all, we’re all the same in the eyes of death.  My addiction makes me feel out of control, but in reality, who really is in control of their lives?  They may have a successful career, family, health etc, but it doesn’t matter how good our health is, we’ll still die one day.  And then, then came that precious insight i had.  All of my anxiety, my inferiority, my desperation to achieve and even my cravings can be traced back to my fear of death,  Not only that, I could feel death breathing on me. Oh dear it sounds a bit negative!  But no it was great!  Freedom!  And that little faith in immortality, that little taste.

Maybe that’s why there’s an addiction and mental health epidemic.  Maybe people are becoming more aware of death and they’re fearfully repressing it because they don’t have a loving presence which they trust.  I hope you and I can all give ourselves immortality, we have the power!

So tomorrow I’m hoping to use these insights to help me get through a day without using.

I’ll let you know how that goes.

Best wishes all!

 

Advertisements

Addiction – A Simple Complex?

Over the last few days I’ve remembered that any system would be a complete failure without a total commitment to not using any more, and letting go of my heroin life and self to the point where I can confidently say ‘I will not use no matter what’. Why? Simply because I believe my life will get better in every possible way. I’ve known all along that the deeper you let go, the easier it is to quit, but somehow I didn’t seem able to. And now I’ve reached this stage it’s a complete mystery to me why I couldn’t let go when it was apparently that simple all along.

Of all the research I’ve done, all the books I’ve read and all the different methods I’ve tried, there still seem to be so many unanswered questions about addiction, and I still remain without an opinion on many issues. Addiction is still a very mysterious illness to me. If it wasn’t mysterious, and it was fully understood, there wouldn’t be such an epidemic. As far as I can see, every system ever created for understanding/arresting/curing addiction is partial at best. Most of them feel that their way is the best or only way, when actually different things work for different people.

Maybe addiction will always be a nightmare to break, but I hold the belief that addiction will one day become a thing of the past. I have the same belief about war because I believe we’re evolving. It’s my dream to find a magical cure, but I’ve realised I’ll get the answers when I’m clean, not when I’m using, and my experiments are no longer worth the suffering anyway. When I use it distorts everything, and the answers I come up with are false and confused. I’ve also become open to the possibility that my dreams will change. Maybe I’ll get clean and feel there’s no need for a new system. Maybe I’ll discover that I want to help people in a different way. This is part of the fear of getting clean I guess. You have to let go of everything. Everything that you thought you were, and even the things you thought you were interested in.  And even though I don’t know how I’ve done it, I’m just grateful I’ve managed to get to a stage of openness where I’m prepared to be wrong about everything, and prepared to do whatever it takes to stay clean.