Diary of a heroin and meditation addict day 2

Death! I’ve come to the conclusion that this is the key.  Of course I don’t mean physical death, but contemplation of it.  For many years I’ve been contemplating death in my meditation, but there was a problem.  I ended up stopping because I didn’t have a loving enough approach, and found I was directing it towards myself more like a threat than the way to freedom it was meant to be.

I don’t know what prompted me to go back today, but I found myself contemplating death once more. What was different was the sense of well wishing, and feeling I was in a position to offer myself something to replace it – eternal life.  And yes, it was me giving it to myself, not some god outside of myself, he would never have given it to me.  My view of God, wedged into my subconscious and causing complete havoc, was the punishing, petty, parasitical God adopted by society as a means to control its citizens.  I’m finally learning to walk away after years of suffering the violence and abuse of this so called ‘God’.

Today I felt I could face death, which helped me feel less inferior and different to others.  After all, we’re all the same in the eyes of death.  My addiction makes me feel out of control, but in reality, who really is in control of their lives?  They may have a successful career, family, health etc, but it doesn’t matter how good our health is, we’ll still die one day.  And then, then came that precious insight i had.  All of my anxiety, my inferiority, my desperation to achieve and even my cravings can be traced back to my fear of death,  Not only that, I could feel death breathing on me. Oh dear it sounds a bit negative!  But no it was great!  Freedom!  And that little faith in immortality, that little taste.

Maybe that’s why there’s an addiction and mental health epidemic.  Maybe people are becoming more aware of death and they’re fearfully repressing it because they don’t have a loving presence which they trust.  I hope you and I can all give ourselves immortality, we have the power!

So tomorrow I’m hoping to use these insights to help me get through a day without using.

I’ll let you know how that goes.

Best wishes all!


Diary of heroin and meditation addict.

firstly, my life is about to fall off the edge of a cliff and i feel i need to try something new.  I live such a strange, secretive life and I’m so used to putting a mask on that i don’t know who i am anymore, and i certainly don’t trust anyone to help me with my problems.  Whenever i let anyone in they just end up just as confused as i am and get sucked into my whirlwind of weirdness.

“What? You do that much meditation and you’re still using? ”

“Why don’t you just stop and try something else”?

“If you’re addicted to meditation does that mean it’s bad for you”?

“Isn’t it really bad meditating whilst you’re under the influence”?

Ah, it’s crippling just hearing these questions in my head as i write them down.  And the worst questions are the ones they dare not ask, the ones i can feel them asking;

“How can it be that nothing has changed in all these years despite all the meditation, despite all the intensive work you’ve done on yourself”?

Maybe they’re not really thinking this, but I’d be surprised if they weren’t.  This is my 19th year as a heroin addict, and my 15th year as an intensive meditator and Buddhist practitioner.  I even had an advanced teacher (spiritual non drug using) with whom i had a powerful meditation experience.

You see i still believe in that little intuitive voice i have amidst all the self doubt.  It seems that addicts are taught to doubt themselves the moment they come into recovery.  After all, we have this little ‘addict’ in our heads, lying to us all the time, trying to get us back to using our favorite substance.

I may have that little addict, but i also have a number of other selves which I’ve been learning about in my meditation.  And yes, externally it appears that nothing has changed, but I’ve been working on a secret project, and although it’s taken this journal to remind me, I haven’t lost faith, and I feel my project will begin to reveal itself if I just continue writing.

My System

 “I must create a system or be enslaved by another man’s; I will not reason and compare; my business is to create”

-William Blake

For the last 3 1/2 years, this is what I’ve attempted to do in the field of addiction. A heroin addict myself, I used my problem as an opportunity to study and experiment on myself.  Now I feel I’ve come to the end of my time as my very own ‘guinea pig addict’, and I feel it’s time to enter the ‘guinea pig recovering addict’ phase. Join me on my quest as I attempt to use my discoveries and techniques to free me from my addiction and hopefully inspire others to do the same.

So here is a little taster of where I’m at and what my system is all about:

 My first and most obvious discovery was that there were two ‘selves’ involved in addiction; the ‘addict’ and the ‘anti-addict’. Whilst most systems are aware of this they normally see the addict as ‘bad’ and the anti-addict as ‘good’. They often praise and encourage the beliefs and attitudes of the anti-addict (which I’ll go into later), and suppress, put down, discourage, and even ridicule the beliefs of the addict.

Unsatisfied with conventional methods and in search of my own answers, I soon realized that the addict was not ‘all bad’ and the anti-addict was definitely not ‘all good’. With this in mind my work has centered mostly around the study of these opposing selves within myself, and the creation of different techniques to bring them back together.

Obviously I got a few laughs when I told people I was using heroin for research purposes!  Of course there’s no doubt I would have used it anyway, but I figured that if I was going to use drugs then I might as well try and get some use out of the experience. Now, after three and a half years of researching, reading, writing, and experimenting with drugs, I feel it’s time to add talking, sharing and experimenting without drugs to my list.  I’m really hoping I’ve reached a stage in my work where I can use my techniques and ideas to finally break free, and to pick up some support and encouragement along the way. Until now I’ve kept my work secret, but I feel I’m going to need the input and friendship of like minded people if I want to get clean. And of course, I need to get clean and stay clean for some time before my ideas can be taken seriously.

So, I’m currently on 43 ml of methodone, cutting down at a rate of 1 ml a week. Since I pick up on a weekly basis, I mess around with my daily dose, and I’ve also been using heroin between 1 and 4 times per week. This journal will come with me as I attempt to stop the heroin use, start taking the methodone as prescribed, and get clean through my chosen method of a gentle reduction. Apart from this, I’ll be relying solely on my own system, which I’ll be describing as I go along.  I’m sure this blog will turn out be an enormous benefit for me, even if no one reads it!  But in the long run I hope to generate a completely new perspective on the problem of addiction, and offer an inspiring way out for addicts of all kinds.

Wish me luck (I’m going to need it)!