Diary of a heroin and meditation addict day 2

Death! I’ve come to the conclusion that this is the key.  Of course I don’t mean physical death, but contemplation of it.  For many years I’ve been contemplating death in my meditation, but there was a problem.  I ended up stopping because I didn’t have a loving enough approach, and found I was directing it towards myself more like a threat than the way to freedom it was meant to be.

I don’t know what prompted me to go back today, but I found myself contemplating death once more. What was different was the sense of well wishing, and feeling I was in a position to offer myself something to replace it – eternal life.  And yes, it was me giving it to myself, not some god outside of myself, he would never have given it to me.  My view of God, wedged into my subconscious and causing complete havoc, was the punishing, petty, parasitical God adopted by society as a means to control its citizens.  I’m finally learning to walk away after years of suffering the violence and abuse of this so called ‘God’.

Today I felt I could face death, which helped me feel less inferior and different to others.  After all, we’re all the same in the eyes of death.  My addiction makes me feel out of control, but in reality, who really is in control of their lives?  They may have a successful career, family, health etc, but it doesn’t matter how good our health is, we’ll still die one day.  And then, then came that precious insight i had.  All of my anxiety, my inferiority, my desperation to achieve and even my cravings can be traced back to my fear of death,  Not only that, I could feel death breathing on me. Oh dear it sounds a bit negative!  But no it was great!  Freedom!  And that little faith in immortality, that little taste.

Maybe that’s why there’s an addiction and mental health epidemic.  Maybe people are becoming more aware of death and they’re fearfully repressing it because they don’t have a loving presence which they trust.  I hope you and I can all give ourselves immortality, we have the power!

So tomorrow I’m hoping to use these insights to help me get through a day without using.

I’ll let you know how that goes.

Best wishes all!

 

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