Diary of heroin and meditation addict.

firstly, my life is about to fall off the edge of a cliff and i feel i need to try something new.  I live such a strange, secretive life and I’m so used to putting a mask on that i don’t know who i am anymore, and i certainly don’t trust anyone to help me with my problems.  Whenever i let anyone in they just end up just as confused as i am and get sucked into my whirlwind of weirdness.

“What? You do that much meditation and you’re still using? ”

“Why don’t you just stop and try something else”?

“If you’re addicted to meditation does that mean it’s bad for you”?

“Isn’t it really bad meditating whilst you’re under the influence”?

Ah, it’s crippling just hearing these questions in my head as i write them down.  And the worst questions are the ones they dare not ask, the ones i can feel them asking;

“How can it be that nothing has changed in all these years despite all the meditation, despite all the intensive work you’ve done on yourself”?

Maybe they’re not really thinking this, but I’d be surprised if they weren’t.  This is my 19th year as a heroin addict, and my 15th year as an intensive meditator and Buddhist practitioner.  I even had an advanced teacher (spiritual non drug using) with whom i had a powerful meditation experience.

You see i still believe in that little intuitive voice i have amidst all the self doubt.  It seems that addicts are taught to doubt themselves the moment they come into recovery.  After all, we have this little ‘addict’ in our heads, lying to us all the time, trying to get us back to using our favorite substance.

I may have that little addict, but i also have a number of other selves which I’ve been learning about in my meditation.  And yes, externally it appears that nothing has changed, but I’ve been working on a secret project, and although it’s taken this journal to remind me, I haven’t lost faith, and I feel my project will begin to reveal itself if I just continue writing.

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An Experiment

Okay, so i got swallowed up by heroin again, but I’ve turned the bad days into good data and climbed out with some new ideas….

“I choose to follow my inspiration and see where it takes me”

 It’s been a big confusion of mine for a while. Does it work to follow your inspiration or do you have to push yourself to do things you don’t feel like doing sometimes? Well, there’s only one way to truly find out, and that’s to try it out and see what happens. When we’re young we’re taught that it doesn’t work to do whatever we feel like.  Maybe it doesn’t when you’re following more base urges, but I feel I’m at the stage where I’m listening to my soul rather than the lower urges of my body.  And actually, when I think of the book ‘Summerhill’ (A.S. Neill), it did work to let the kids do whatever they wanted. The lessons still took place, but the children didn’t have to turn up and they even had the option to play all day if they wanted to.  Amazingly, once they’d got their previous harsh schooling out of their system (they wound up at Summerhill because they were some of the naughtiest kids in Britain), they started to become interested in the lessons and developed their talents into something outstanding. But in this system we’re taught that if everyone just did whatever they wanted everything would fall apart, and being a creative person I’m certain that it was my regimented, impersonal, narrow-minded, cold, suffocating and oppressive education that was the cause of my drug problem in the first place.

I know that this belief is deeply ingrained in me, and an experiment may be the best way to challenge it. It’s too scary to take on this new way of living without gathering some proof that it works, so I’m going try it up until the new year, and if it’s successful I can take it on as a new behavior.  I’m also going to use the statement above as an affirmation, saying it five times five times a day, as is suggested for affirmations to take root in the mind.

Hmm, I’m already realizing that it may put a stop to a hell of a lot of conflict. As for the drugs, I can presume I won’t want to use as long as I don’t pressurize myself into doing anything I don’t want to do, and if I crave I can look for signs that the masculine side has taken control again.

Anyway, it seems that so far the experiment is working well because I’ve been inspired to share my idea with the world.

My System

 “I must create a system or be enslaved by another man’s; I will not reason and compare; my business is to create”

-William Blake

For the last 3 1/2 years, this is what I’ve attempted to do in the field of addiction. A heroin addict myself, I used my problem as an opportunity to study and experiment on myself.  Now I feel I’ve come to the end of my time as my very own ‘guinea pig addict’, and I feel it’s time to enter the ‘guinea pig recovering addict’ phase. Join me on my quest as I attempt to use my discoveries and techniques to free me from my addiction and hopefully inspire others to do the same.

So here is a little taster of where I’m at and what my system is all about:

 My first and most obvious discovery was that there were two ‘selves’ involved in addiction; the ‘addict’ and the ‘anti-addict’. Whilst most systems are aware of this they normally see the addict as ‘bad’ and the anti-addict as ‘good’. They often praise and encourage the beliefs and attitudes of the anti-addict (which I’ll go into later), and suppress, put down, discourage, and even ridicule the beliefs of the addict.

Unsatisfied with conventional methods and in search of my own answers, I soon realized that the addict was not ‘all bad’ and the anti-addict was definitely not ‘all good’. With this in mind my work has centered mostly around the study of these opposing selves within myself, and the creation of different techniques to bring them back together.

Obviously I got a few laughs when I told people I was using heroin for research purposes!  Of course there’s no doubt I would have used it anyway, but I figured that if I was going to use drugs then I might as well try and get some use out of the experience. Now, after three and a half years of researching, reading, writing, and experimenting with drugs, I feel it’s time to add talking, sharing and experimenting without drugs to my list.  I’m really hoping I’ve reached a stage in my work where I can use my techniques and ideas to finally break free, and to pick up some support and encouragement along the way. Until now I’ve kept my work secret, but I feel I’m going to need the input and friendship of like minded people if I want to get clean. And of course, I need to get clean and stay clean for some time before my ideas can be taken seriously.

So, I’m currently on 43 ml of methodone, cutting down at a rate of 1 ml a week. Since I pick up on a weekly basis, I mess around with my daily dose, and I’ve also been using heroin between 1 and 4 times per week. This journal will come with me as I attempt to stop the heroin use, start taking the methodone as prescribed, and get clean through my chosen method of a gentle reduction. Apart from this, I’ll be relying solely on my own system, which I’ll be describing as I go along.  I’m sure this blog will turn out be an enormous benefit for me, even if no one reads it!  But in the long run I hope to generate a completely new perspective on the problem of addiction, and offer an inspiring way out for addicts of all kinds.

Wish me luck (I’m going to need it)!