Diary of heroin and meditation addict.

firstly, my life is about to fall off the edge of a cliff and i feel i need to try something new.  I live such a strange, secretive life and I’m so used to putting a mask on that i don’t know who i am anymore, and i certainly don’t trust anyone to help me with my problems.  Whenever i let anyone in they just end up just as confused as i am and get sucked into my whirlwind of weirdness.

“What? You do that much meditation and you’re still using? ”

“Why don’t you just stop and try something else”?

“If you’re addicted to meditation does that mean it’s bad for you”?

“Isn’t it really bad meditating whilst you’re under the influence”?

Ah, it’s crippling just hearing these questions in my head as i write them down.  And the worst questions are the ones they dare not ask, the ones i can feel them asking;

“How can it be that nothing has changed in all these years despite all the meditation, despite all the intensive work you’ve done on yourself”?

Maybe they’re not really thinking this, but I’d be surprised if they weren’t.  This is my 19th year as a heroin addict, and my 15th year as an intensive meditator and Buddhist practitioner.  I even had an advanced teacher (spiritual non drug using) with whom i had a powerful meditation experience.

You see i still believe in that little intuitive voice i have amidst all the self doubt.  It seems that addicts are taught to doubt themselves the moment they come into recovery.  After all, we have this little ‘addict’ in our heads, lying to us all the time, trying to get us back to using our favorite substance.

I may have that little addict, but i also have a number of other selves which I’ve been learning about in my meditation.  And yes, externally it appears that nothing has changed, but I’ve been working on a secret project, and although it’s taken this journal to remind me, I haven’t lost faith, and I feel my project will begin to reveal itself if I just continue writing.

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Fly Me To The Moon

Today, I’m feeling impatient and annoyed. Still no inspiration. I just want to get lost in my work, and there’s some block. I feel hopeful and excited, but when I sit down to work, nothing comes to me. Only time will give me the information I need, but what do I do in the meantime? I want things to flow. I don’t want that uncomfortable feeling of forcing myself to do creative stuff, surely that’s not the way to go. As the days have gone by, I’ve felt myself getting more and more uptight. I think I’m asking, expecting far too much, and then I feel unsatisfied. I’ve been doing amazingly well, so why isn’t that enough? What’s wrong with just writing about how I feel? I haven’t gathered enough data yet to create a system, I’m still in the experimental phase, so how can I possibly know what works without trying it out? It all looked so great in theory didn’t it?

And all this progress I’ve been making, and I’m not even stopping to acknowledge it. If I can’t be satisfied now, I’ll never be satisfied. It’s the pace that’s the problem. It’s that same illusion playing out. Although I’m moving forwards so much faster while I’m not using drugs, the sense of time is different and it feels like I’m moving slower. I had to push forwards with so much force when I was using in order to get anywhere, and out of habit I use that same force when not using and I fall flat on my face, because there’s no longer any need. I’m moving forwards very fast naturally. It’s like a astronaut going to the moon. While they’re still in the earth’s atmosphere (what I liken to life in addiction), it takes such immense rocket power to get anywhere, but once they get out of the earth’s atmosphere (which I liken to getting clean), there’s total stillness, even though they’re moving so much faster. But us uneducated astronauts think we’ve stopped and start messing round with the controls trying to go faster, but we run out of energy, and come crashing back down to earth.

As far as I’m concerned, that’s one of the addicts greatest problems. Adjusting to that new, completely different pace. Floating in space, with only our knowledge, our guides and our faith, to show us that we’re getting somewhere.

Addiction – A Simple Complex?

Over the last few days I’ve remembered that any system would be a complete failure without a total commitment to not using any more, and letting go of my heroin life and self to the point where I can confidently say ‘I will not use no matter what’. Why? Simply because I believe my life will get better in every possible way. I’ve known all along that the deeper you let go, the easier it is to quit, but somehow I didn’t seem able to. And now I’ve reached this stage it’s a complete mystery to me why I couldn’t let go when it was apparently that simple all along.

Of all the research I’ve done, all the books I’ve read and all the different methods I’ve tried, there still seem to be so many unanswered questions about addiction, and I still remain without an opinion on many issues. Addiction is still a very mysterious illness to me. If it wasn’t mysterious, and it was fully understood, there wouldn’t be such an epidemic. As far as I can see, every system ever created for understanding/arresting/curing addiction is partial at best. Most of them feel that their way is the best or only way, when actually different things work for different people.

Maybe addiction will always be a nightmare to break, but I hold the belief that addiction will one day become a thing of the past. I have the same belief about war because I believe we’re evolving. It’s my dream to find a magical cure, but I’ve realised I’ll get the answers when I’m clean, not when I’m using, and my experiments are no longer worth the suffering anyway. When I use it distorts everything, and the answers I come up with are false and confused. I’ve also become open to the possibility that my dreams will change. Maybe I’ll get clean and feel there’s no need for a new system. Maybe I’ll discover that I want to help people in a different way. This is part of the fear of getting clean I guess. You have to let go of everything. Everything that you thought you were, and even the things you thought you were interested in.  And even though I don’t know how I’ve done it, I’m just grateful I’ve managed to get to a stage of openness where I’m prepared to be wrong about everything, and prepared to do whatever it takes to stay clean.

 

Blogging – my new therapist

It’s been over 6 months since I wrote my first blog and i haven’t published anything since.  My drug use has got worse and worse and it’s time to get humble and admit that I don’t have the answers.  I’ve just been reading about blogging being a good way to overcome addiction, and since I’m always writing anyway, why not give it a try? I’m ready to try anything. Over the last few months I’ve realized that one of my greatest fears is the fear of exposure, and I guess underneath that is a fear of failure.  So they say the best way to overcome a fear is to face it.  Well here I am!  A heroin addict who can’t stop using. And I’m not spending ages trying to get my wording right, I’m just going to write whatever comes into my head, warts and all, and I’m going to write something every day.