..Well, technically it’s not day 3 as I haven’t blogged for a few days. I managed a day without heroin yesterday, but what felt so important was what I did. I faced a lot of fears and did things differently. Being honest in this blog started me off, and then I decided to face my fear of social media and get involved on other platforms. I made a video where I confessed to the world I was a heroin addict, and although it is probably the worst video on youtube it felt so good, to be honest, and real. It felt like blogging and video blogging is what I’m meant to be doing with my life and hopefully helping people through it.
And then, this evening after I’d spent the day with my family and I was caught unaware when I got back, and before I knew it I found myself scoring again. I know that something significant must’ve happened the day before because it was a huge shock to my system and I felt so down about it. It crushed me. I just wanted the damn drug out of my system.
Through all my meditation I’ve learned not to punish myself for relapsing, but sometimes, like tonight, it becomes almost impossible. Why? Why? Why? But it doesn’t matter how much I punish myself or not, it’s the love of getting deeply absorbed in my ‘work’, which will get me clean.
Meditation has been great, but I understand why it hasn’t been enough to get me clean. It’s all about manifesting a replacement on the physical plane. I’m proud of my meditation, but it’s not as if I have anything to show for it. I need to build connections, self-esteem, a career, a craft in this world before I visit the next. It seems that art, not meditation can replace drugs. In fact, no particular area of life, but every area of life needs to transform. Social, spiritual, economic, physical – you name it.
And all the time I’ve been going mad for meditation I’ve been neglecting all the other areas, but since I’ve gone back to this blog I’ve begun to find balance. I can’t wait to get this damn drug out my system and start again tomorrow.