Diary of a heroin and meditation addict day 2

Death! I’ve come to the conclusion that this is the key.  Of course I don’t mean physical death, but contemplation of it.  For many years I’ve been contemplating death in my meditation, but there was a problem.  I ended up stopping because I didn’t have a loving enough approach, and found I was directing it towards myself more like a threat than the way to freedom it was meant to be.

I don’t know what prompted me to go back today, but I found myself contemplating death once more. What was different was the sense of well wishing, and feeling I was in a position to offer myself something to replace it – eternal life.  And yes, it was me giving it to myself, not some god outside of myself, he would never have given it to me.  My view of God, wedged into my subconscious and causing complete havoc, was the punishing, petty, parasitical God adopted by society as a means to control its citizens.  I’m finally learning to walk away after years of suffering the violence and abuse of this so called ‘God’.

Today I felt I could face death, which helped me feel less inferior and different to others.  After all, we’re all the same in the eyes of death.  My addiction makes me feel out of control, but in reality, who really is in control of their lives?  They may have a successful career, family, health etc, but it doesn’t matter how good our health is, we’ll still die one day.  And then, then came that precious insight i had.  All of my anxiety, my inferiority, my desperation to achieve and even my cravings can be traced back to my fear of death,  Not only that, I could feel death breathing on me. Oh dear it sounds a bit negative!  But no it was great!  Freedom!  And that little faith in immortality, that little taste.

Maybe that’s why there’s an addiction and mental health epidemic.  Maybe people are becoming more aware of death and they’re fearfully repressing it because they don’t have a loving presence which they trust.  I hope you and I can all give ourselves immortality, we have the power!

So tomorrow I’m hoping to use these insights to help me get through a day without using.

I’ll let you know how that goes.

Best wishes all!


5 thoughts on “Diary of a heroin and meditation addict day 2

  1. Hi I hope you are well and have managed to stay clean. J have a question you talk a lot about meditation, have you heard of phowa? Phowa is a Tibetan practice that can prepare one for the death of the body. Note I said body here that which sees through your eyes and hears through your ears is non composite and timeless But knowing how the body will die and it’s processes can be very liberating. You might find som info in the Tibetan book of the dead and there are some lamas who teach this practice to westerners. Anyway have a great day all my love,


    • Greetings QP! Thank you for your kind suggestion. I studied Buddhism for a few years and my teacher was a Buddhist who was especially fond of Tibetan Buddhism. I’m a bit rusty now though so I had to look up ‘Phowa’. I read an article about it and found it very useful. It’s given me confidence in my own practice too since I found I’ve intuitively been practicing my own version. Do you follow any particular school of Tibetan Buddhism? I used to feel a strong connection with Chetul Sange Dorge and the nyingma/terma tradition. I also feel a deep gratitude for Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche.
      -All the best – AA

  2. Yes, I do follow a school. I practice within the Karma Kagyu tradition, we are strong meditators. And we share the same roots as the Nyingma tradition. Have you learned anything more of Phowa?

  3. Wonderful, a Kagyupa! I bet you’re very proud of your heritage? I’ve tried to return to Catholicism since it is my heritage which I’m still questioning the importance of. One issue I had (among many) is that I’ve always been attracted to the Vajrayana, and I didn’t find much in Christianity to replace that. I was happy to read that ‘Phowa’ is a tantric practice. I’ve revisited The Tibetan Book Of Living And Dying and read Sogyal Rinpoche’s version of the practice. Over the years I’ve built up an intense relationship with my inner Guru and surrendering to him is the basis of my entire spiritual practice, although recently I’ve come up against profound resistance, which has been difficult. Have you heard of trepanation? The article on wikipedia on Phowa made an allusion to this when they spoke of making an opening in the skull to assist the pracice, although I wasn’t sure if they meant they did this after someone passes away. – With ‘Metta’ – AA

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