Today, I’m feeling impatient and annoyed. Still no inspiration. I just want to get lost in my work, and there’s some block. I feel hopeful and excited, but when I sit down to work, nothing comes to me. Only time will give me the information I need, but what do I do in the meantime? I want things to flow. I don’t want that uncomfortable feeling of forcing myself to do creative stuff, surely that’s not the way to go. As the days have gone by, I’ve felt myself getting more and more uptight. I think I’m asking, expecting far too much, and then I feel unsatisfied. I’ve been doing amazingly well, so why isn’t that enough? What’s wrong with just writing about how I feel? I haven’t gathered enough data yet to create a system, I’m still in the experimental phase, so how can I possibly know what works without trying it out? It all looked so great in theory didn’t it?
And all this progress I’ve been making, and I’m not even stopping to acknowledge it. If I can’t be satisfied now, I’ll never be satisfied. It’s the pace that’s the problem. It’s that same illusion playing out. Although I’m moving forwards so much faster while I’m not using drugs, the sense of time is different and it feels like I’m moving slower. I had to push forwards with so much force when I was using in order to get anywhere, and out of habit I use that same force when not using and I fall flat on my face, because there’s no longer any need. I’m moving forwards very fast naturally. It’s like a astronaut going to the moon. While they’re still in the earth’s atmosphere (what I liken to life in addiction), it takes such immense rocket power to get anywhere, but once they get out of the earth’s atmosphere (which I liken to getting clean), there’s total stillness, even though they’re moving so much faster. But us uneducated astronauts think we’ve stopped and start messing round with the controls trying to go faster, but we run out of energy, and come crashing back down to earth.
As far as I’m concerned, that’s one of the addicts greatest problems. Adjusting to that new, completely different pace. Floating in space, with only our knowledge, our guides and our faith, to show us that we’re getting somewhere.